david

lloyd-hoare

MBACP (Accredited)

Bsc(Hons)

helping you

to help yourself

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes.


I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are reading this because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.
 

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, and in the past I have considered taking my own life, so I have some idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when the pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or mad, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die, it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.

1/ The first thing you need to hear is that people do get through this, even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.


2/ The next thing I want to suggest to you is to give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait  24 hours before I do anything.”

(That’s why it’s useless for someone to say to you, “cheer up!” , of course you would, if you could.) Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about”. There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have.

Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things, just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realise that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.


3/ The third thing is this: people often turn to thoughts of suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling.

Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things:

find a way to reduce your pain, or find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

If you are thinking of committing suicide, please read this first..............

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

 Click here to go to the website. This is an excellent source for experienced and qualified therapists.

The Samaritans

Click here to go to the website. Trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a branch near you on the phone, or e-mail them. The service is Confidential and non-judgmental.

Books That Actually Help, by People Who Understand:


Out of the Nightmare: Recovery From Depression And Suicidal Pain, by David L. Conroy, PhD (New Liberty Press, 1991, ISBN 1-879204-00-2). If this web page helped you a little, this book will help a lot. Dr. Conroy knows how to untangle the web of darkness. Recommended reading for every suicidal person, therapist, counsellor, friends and families of suicidal persons, and those left behind by the suicide of a loved one. The book is quite comprehensive, but non-technical, and can be sampled in small doses.

To buy the book online from Amazon.com. Please CLICK HERE


Suicide: The Forever Decision: by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares.

To buy the book online from Amazon.com. Please CLICK HERE


Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons.

To buy the book online from Amazon.com. Please CLICK HERE

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Designed By David Lloyd-Hoare Bsc(Hons) MBACP(Accred) INLPTA

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Sometimes just thinking about suicide, to have the fantasy of suicide and the method you would use, is enough to bring about a sense of relief.  To know that if it’s just to much to bear the pain, there is a way out.  But you have to be alive to feel this relief. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

4/ The fourth thing is this: some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you. But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you.

Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try The Samaritans by phone or e-mail worldwide, or look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line. Look in the Counselling and Help section of your Yellow Pages, and call a psychotherapist or a counsellor, carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen. But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

 

5/ The last thing I want you to know right now is this: Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet and various online services.Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or more...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource I can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you.

It’s time to start looking around for one of them..

Now: I’d like you to call someone, or if you are in my area, I invite you to call me on:    

01803 665604

Other sources of help:

Helping You To Help Yourself Suicide